And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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