she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
