She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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