Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
