I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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