she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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