What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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