I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
