When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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