I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
