make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
