Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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