worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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