the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
