I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
