Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We got so high we made milksteak
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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