when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
