she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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