but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
