Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.