are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
