You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
