I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
