I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
