i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I love you. Go after that dick
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
