apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
