I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
