How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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