I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
