Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
