is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
