if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
