Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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