I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
