i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
