then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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