It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
