Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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