you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
