She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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