The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
