Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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