I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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