i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
