I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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