Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have feelings that need drinking.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
