i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
