I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
