Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I need water and some morals
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
