i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
is wine microwaveable?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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