I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
