Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
