Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize