I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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