just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
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