My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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