I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
