walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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